I wasn't sure where to post this set of ramblings- on this 'political' blog or on my other one which focuses on fashion and my random exploits both in this country and abroad- but since I've written a mere two articles on here, and considering that emotions are becoming increasingly dragged into the realms of politics.... this feels appropriate.
Hannah Riley
@hannahtheduck
Like every other person on this planet, I get upset. But nobody ever really seems to write about, or even open up about, the fact that when things aren't going smoothly, they'll sit down and sob uncontrollably, or they'll tuck themselves up and cry themselves to sleep. I've done both. Countless times. Tonight being one of those occasions.
As a recently turned nineteen year old, I count myself very lucky to be a teenager who has no qualms about their appearance, my body doesn't bother me in the slightest, not because I think I'm beautiful- mainly because I don't really pay much attention to how I look in terms of my face shape, or the positioning of eyes, or my random freckles, and my odd shaped bum, because frankly, as long as I keep in decent shape, I don't really care. I frequently stroll around the house in the nude and every now and then on a Wednesday evening I strip right down to my birthday suit and stand completely starkers for a life-drawing class. The 'issues' that I do have, are more mental than they are physical.
Anyone who knows me can establish that I'm not a 'typical teenager' right down from the clothes I wear to my eccentric persona, and my quirky and largely unknown idols, to my confident people skills and the mere fact I single-handedly started a business at the age of 16. I have never done anything to fit in, or to be accepted by any group of people; the outlook is part of the reason why I was bullied quite severely during my last year at primary school, which consequently evolved into being the reason why I fiercely stand up for myself. But what is often missed, or perhaps just not noted, is that I don't not conform on purpose. I never go out of my way not to fit in; I'm just a freak of nature.
In fact, there have been moments, such as tonight, where I'll sit and wish that I was a conventional girl. I don't hate myself, there are simply elements of me that I wish weren't here- they make my stomach churn and my skin crawl. These are the feelings that rise from the dark and take over my senses in the midst of my panic attacks, screaming fits, and uncontrollable states of crying. In the height of it all I sit and pray to a God I don't even believe in to take away my bad bits and turn me into a teenager who wants nothing more than a future filled with a 9-5 job, two kids, a loving husband, coffee mornings, and a yearly planner, and to be the kind of girl who wants a big white wedding. To be societies normal. And I know it's all relative and subjective and perhaps there is no such thing, but that's what normal is.... isn't it?
Without sounding pretentious, I'm a very complicated person in the sense that I'm a human make-up of contradictions; I'm confident whilst having a bottomless pitt full of self doubt, I'm sensitive yet I'm physically quite tough, and I'm extremely bubbly but I suffer from anxiety which sometimes causes me to be a very unhappy person. I'll be the first to admit that other than a fear of homelessness and failing, and a desperation to be happy with my career, I have absolutely no idea what to do with my life. And that terrifies me more than anything else in the world.
Sometimes a fake-tan smothered, Hollister wearing, conventional teenager is everything I wish for. Eventually, I'll see my senses and realise that I'll always be a big 'paleskinned-feminist-hollisterboycotter-freak' at heart. I am who I am, and when I'm sane and not wallowing in my own misery I honestly do embrace it and really, I am fully aware that my desire to be normal will never be worth it.
I think I feel these things because it's not often said that being insecure, unhappy, and being sick to death of your own company is a completely normal feeling. It's far more normal than to be like everyone else. And when I take a step back and rationally try to evaluate the pros and cons of being me, and being societies idea of normal, I'd take me- and all the emotional baggage- every time. Because if we're all genetically unique then where's the sense in mimicking somebody else? My new advice to myself, and to you, is to embrace your imperfections and be entirely yourself. Wear, say, do, feel, and love what and who you want (as long as its not prejudice because that will really get on my tits).
The next time a cup of tea isn't enough to solve your misery, and rock bottom has been hit, or you happen to be an onlooker of someone driving themselves to despair, engulfed in a state of negativity that is seemingly unsolvable and becoming somewhat irritating, remember these pieces of advice from little old, insignificant me.
Firstly, Read this quote and realise that depression isn't selfish:
“The so-called ‘psychotically depressed’ person who tries to kill herself doesn’t do so out of quote ‘hopelessness’ or any abstract conviction that life’s assets and debits do not square. And surely not because death seems suddenly appealing. The person in whom Its invisible agony reaches a certain unendurable level will kill herself the same way a trapped person will eventually jump from the window of a burning high-rise. Make no mistake about people who leap from burning windows. Their terror of falling from a great height is still just as great as it would be for you or me standing speculatively at the same window just checking out the view; i.e. the fear of falling remains a constant. The variable here is the other terror, the fire’s flames: when the flames get close enough, falling to death becomes the slightly less terrible of two terrors. It’s not desiring the fall; it’s terror of the flames. And yet nobody down on the sidewalk, looking up and yelling ‘Don’t!’ and ‘Hang on!’, can understand the jump. Not really. You’d have to have personally been trapped and felt flames to really understand a terror way beyond falling.”
“The so-called ‘psychotically depressed’ person who tries to kill herself doesn’t do so out of quote ‘hopelessness’ or any abstract conviction that life’s assets and debits do not square. And surely not because death seems suddenly appealing. The person in whom Its invisible agony reaches a certain unendurable level will kill herself the same way a trapped person will eventually jump from the window of a burning high-rise. Make no mistake about people who leap from burning windows. Their terror of falling from a great height is still just as great as it would be for you or me standing speculatively at the same window just checking out the view; i.e. the fear of falling remains a constant. The variable here is the other terror, the fire’s flames: when the flames get close enough, falling to death becomes the slightly less terrible of two terrors. It’s not desiring the fall; it’s terror of the flames. And yet nobody down on the sidewalk, looking up and yelling ‘Don’t!’ and ‘Hang on!’, can understand the jump. Not really. You’d have to have personally been trapped and felt flames to really understand a terror way beyond falling.”
Instead of showing annoyance, be understanding, and if you are the person feeling trapped and can see a tunnel with an end but no light, feel what you have to feel; don't try and hide from or rush through your emotions. Understand yourself a little more and realise that it's ok to freak out, and it's even more ok to be you.
Secondly, stick to your own mind and don't doubt what you think is best for yourself. If everyone else thinks differently, it maybe the case that you only look mad because you're the only sane one and everyone around you is insane.
For instance, I know that if I were to stay on the treadmill that education is taking me on and start university in September, because that's what people do, I won't be happy. I'll be as trapped as the person in a burning building. I need to be sure of what course to do in order to spend that much money on it. And to be honest, I can't bare the thought of being in a system that makes me feel so alienated for another three years. University isn't for everyone. I'm sick of ticking boxes and filling out application forms to please other people. From this point onwards, I will research, apply for, and enroll on courses only if I feel I'm doing it for myself. The only person I, or you, need to make proud is yourself- irrespective of what your parents, teachers, or society wants for you. Don't follow suit if it doesn't make you happy. There is no rush- you have your whole life ahead of you- enjoy now.
If you're too concerned with the future, you might miss the amazing glistening thing that's currently in the corner of your eye.
Finally, Popping pills is not the answer, that's just a money making idea of solving things. Those things are evil, they make you 'steady'... everything is grey and nothing is happy just as nothing is sad. Pills don't cure anything, they just mask emotions and turn you into something you're not. I hate the idea of being the result of a manufactured pill; becoming a processed, controlled human. It's not natural.
And with that, I come to the end of my stream of consciousness, and already I feel refreshed in refusing the normalcy that I yearned for just an hour or so ago. And hopefully, this has spread a similar feeling to whomever may be reading this. I don't want to say I've been 'deep', I just think I've been honest, there are negative connotations associated with seriousness; people are skeptical of articles delving into deeper emotions, but I don't really give a shit.
Have a nice a day.
Secondly, stick to your own mind and don't doubt what you think is best for yourself. If everyone else thinks differently, it maybe the case that you only look mad because you're the only sane one and everyone around you is insane.
For instance, I know that if I were to stay on the treadmill that education is taking me on and start university in September, because that's what people do, I won't be happy. I'll be as trapped as the person in a burning building. I need to be sure of what course to do in order to spend that much money on it. And to be honest, I can't bare the thought of being in a system that makes me feel so alienated for another three years. University isn't for everyone. I'm sick of ticking boxes and filling out application forms to please other people. From this point onwards, I will research, apply for, and enroll on courses only if I feel I'm doing it for myself. The only person I, or you, need to make proud is yourself- irrespective of what your parents, teachers, or society wants for you. Don't follow suit if it doesn't make you happy. There is no rush- you have your whole life ahead of you- enjoy now.
If you're too concerned with the future, you might miss the amazing glistening thing that's currently in the corner of your eye.
And with that, I come to the end of my stream of consciousness, and already I feel refreshed in refusing the normalcy that I yearned for just an hour or so ago. And hopefully, this has spread a similar feeling to whomever may be reading this. I don't want to say I've been 'deep', I just think I've been honest, there are negative connotations associated with seriousness; people are skeptical of articles delving into deeper emotions, but I don't really give a shit.
Have a nice a day.
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| Taken for my final Fine Art Project at A-level. Focusing on Mental Health Disorders. Laura Hollingworth by Hannah Riley. |
Hannah Riley
@hannahtheduck
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